Friday, October 18, 2013

Attention America. This is Ruby the Wretched...

Ruby the Wretched, Attorney-at-Law, Evil Genius, Bloggernaut

  So, let me tell you a little story.

Not long ago, on a frisky sort of evening, I was frosting the cupcakes and thinking about cubes. I was contacted by one, Dr. (Ki)2. I have a history with this woman. I am her legal representation and am immensely valuable to her. She is also privy to some of my more nefarious transgressions...
(She signed the non-disclosure agreement so feel free to ask as many questions as you’d like; she won’t be able to answer them).
Nevertheless, I believe in the Doctor’s cause; to perpetuate the culture of strangeness that is so fertile to creativity. To promote rebelliousness in the name of true art. In our long, professional relationship, the Doctor and I have stayed awake many a night, wisely stroking our imaginary beards (mindbeards) and contemplating how we can possibly make the world we live in more beautiful and ultimately stranger. 
So when the good Dr. K asked me to join her super-force of scribes, I graciously accepted. This is quite the gesture coming from me. You see, what you must understand about me is that I am a wretched girl (Ruby the Wretched, you see?).
The truth is that I am vile and appalling. Depraved and despicable. I have a tendency to be MEAN.  Although it is normally my aim is to twist logic, contort the truth, trump reason, and generally mislead the masses; I am here to save you. Your lives are very dull and boring. The world has become a frightful place, and not just because I set free an army of murderous possums.* No, it is frightful because people are becoming complacent. If I am going to take over the world in one weekend, I’m going to need y’all to have some fight in you. 
{*For legal reasons I must state that I have no recollection of mentioning murderous possums. WHAT POSSUMS?*}
Just so you know that I will always keep you on the edge of your seats, I’m going to list a few of my personal inspirations. I will offer no explanations at the current time, but all will become clear (or at least righteously defended) in time: 

  • The late, great Jean-Micheal Basquiat
  • American poet, Charles Bukowski
  • Spectacular train wreck; Miley Ray Cyrus, born Destiny Hope Cyrus
  • Gonzo journalist, Hunter S. Thompson
  • Eccentric Pop Artist and Philosopher, Andy Warhol
  • America’s Sweetheart, Taylor Swift
  • Extremely Twisted Individual, Salvador Dali
  • Author and Man of Inspiring Brainfingers, Kurt Vonnegut
  • Batman
If any of this seems incongruous feel free to leave me a comment, and I will feel free to laugh diabolically at it. 
   I may be a super-villain and a criminal mastermind, but I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. I am very  interesting and impressive. I have multiple degrees and PhDs from UoF (University of Falsehood), so I definitely know  what I’m talking about. You can trust me. 

Anyway, for the time being I am here to delight and appall you with my insightful wit and various levels of dangerous psychosis. You are so very fortunate my Biscuits, so very fortunate...


  1. I just can't see Taylor Swift hanging out with Miley.

  2. Your madness is delightfully delicious

  3. I know one of those possums.


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