Saturday, November 16, 2013

5-Minute, Left-Hand-Written Free-Write, by Alonzo Riley

Alonzo Riley, special guest, left-paw, and rare species
(the author, not the monkey)

The most frivolous activities in the world are created by left-handed people. 
They never quite figured out the proper way to do things. 
So, by being themselves, nothing but themselves, they constitute a threat. 
This is not merely a curse, but the opposite. For you see, economic laws 
dictate that the so-called 80:20 rule holds for all things. About 80% of 
a population must be made of conformist suck-ups who have sacrificed 
what they stand for ...for money. The silly thing is that they stand for nothing at all. 
They claim to be ambidextrous, to be flexible; but in fact they can't use either hand! 
They rely instead on ordering others about. They are the nil-dexterous and ultra-flexible. 
They have sacrificed their minds so that cows may continue to be slaughtered 
cheaply so people can get more things done, so they can order
 more people around, so they can also be commanded by more and more and 
more and more. But this only refers to up to 80% of the society. 
That is why I have chosen to be left-handed! 

[Editor's Note: Guest author Alonzo Riley is a pre-eminent writer in the rare nil-dexterous genre. The Editor cannot  in good conscious promote laughter, prevent offense, or any of the above from you, dear reader. However, I suggest amusement. I mean, who IS this Alonzo? Why does he choose this for himself? Also, why couldn't he cite his sources as far as the 80% and the economics? These questions could prove troublesome if not taken with a grain of salt- preferably taken with one's left hand. That, dear readers, is your prescription for successfully digesting this disorienting but potentially giggle-worthy little gem].

*NOTE* Any comments left will need to be typed with the left hand only, please!

1 comment:

  1. you know, you could always just say that your Sinesterous. It sounds way cooler than being "left-handed".


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